Isolation after a move

I reflect a lot on how we women all can react different to the same situation. Some people move to a new town easily.  I actually think those kinds of people just may exist. My husband is one of them.  But that's not me.  This move that we did this past fall has by far been the hardest on me. If only i could have taken one friend along this journey, that would have helped. Facebook has been my saving grace. It keeps me in the loop of the friends I sorely miss and allows me to gradually hope for new connections.

But man, I miss my best friends. I miss ALL my friends.  Their lives go on.  But mine has stopped.

I am a people person, I need to feel like i have connections. and I hate missing out on the day-to-day of my old connections. It's pure isolation to have no one.  Isolation.  Toddlers gets Time-Outs for punishment, a form of isolation/separation.  Extra bad prisoners get put in isolation as a punishment. Moving puts a Stay At Home Mom in, you guessed it(!), Isolation. For hours. Days. Then the Weeks that turn into Months.  There's  no other parents to ask school questions of, no friends to ask about hair salons, no neighbors to talk to b/c of a cold winter to ask questions of. No friends to hit up for a favor to watch the preschooler for appointments, etc. No spare, extra "play" money b/c no one knows me for all of my little attempts to make a few bucks. I don't know any parents to help arrange play dates for my kids to get acclimated.

 Adults (here and everyone), especially native-born adults, are busy, know everyone, and certainly don't have time to be extra friendly to extend an invite to lunch or their home. It's amazing how a simple smile from a stranger will put my world back into a balance for just a bit. Most people don't smile. It's stuff you don't notice until you're the new kid, the kid not welcomed in the sandbox, because no one knows who you are to feel safe enough to welcome you to the sandbox. It's crazy! But, I promise you, it is a reality truth.  I read a book that explained that it takes a long time of repeated exposures for a new face to become a Familiar Face. And once your face is familiar, then people become brave and will open the newbie to new opportunities.

Well-meaning people have told me to be grateful no one has died.  Well-meaning people have told me that God has a plan for us.  Well-meaning people have told me that it will work out.  All true.  And I also dare reckon that most of those people have NOT recently moved from all that was familiar and normal to a town where everyone is a stranger and nothing is familiar.  

 For some, moving to a new place, knowing no one doesn't phase them (remember? my husband is a great example!). But for me, it really is a mini-death. That's the only way I can describe it, and that is with tears in my eyes as I type this. It's real, it hurts, it's an identity stealer. This is our 3rd such move. Maybe because of the kids and their ages it bothers me even more? I just shake my head, I wish it was easier.  My familiar grocery store is gone.  My library is gone.  My kids will never easily have casual playdates with their friends again.  My home will no longer be my home.  My home church will no longer be where we attend weekly.  I no longer can walk to my friends' homes.  My neighbor and I will never talk about our gardens again.   My kids will never go to their "favorite" schools again.  These are REAL changes.  It's my mini-death.   

Where's the hope in the day-to-day? For me, it means baby steps. Lots of them.  At my kitchen sink is the Just Moved flip calendar with quotes from the Bible and from that ministries founder, Susan Miller.  I try to let those words soak into my heart.  I put another scriptural flip calendar by my bathroom mirror.  My friend (that I couldn't move with me, major bummer!) has heard me cry a few times over the phone - and I told her I was giving Satan too much room in my head.  When everything is ripped away, what is left?  God. Family.  And Satan too.  Every day is a choice on who to focus on:  God's truths or Satan's lies.  In the past five months, I've participated in 4 various small group Bible studies in our new community.  I'm doing my best to get my face to become a new local Familiar Face and to also give Satan the hard boot out of my head.  Amazing how God's words can jump RIGHT off the page into my head and heart when I'm ready to hear them!  I've also enjoyed listening online to a previous pastor's sermon series on Identity.  There are other ways I've been getting out of the house too.  

I don't want to replace my friends. But I also believe I'm designed for fellowship, that having local friends is a good thing!   And, great news,  God has provided the possibility of amazing friends here. Can you believe the week we moved into a house, a gal I had just met was willing to help me with various painting projects?  I noticed a gal with out-of-state license plates and learned that, she too, was new. We've since become friends as well!  Finding and developing friendships is a process that takes time, a process that can't be rushed. It's the lone journey of not taking my friends physically with me from Point A to the new Point B that is shaping me into God's mold of me.  It's lonely because I have to be brave on my own, trying new roads and finding new shops.  But yet, it's not always lonely because I know the dear friends that I have history with haven't forgotten me and continue to pray for me.  And eventually, a new local facebook friend comes along to "friend me" that's been in study with me, then another and another.  I will always be a supporter of facebook as a person that has moved! It's so helpful for the sense of belonging to a new community!

I think my next post will be on how I can be the greeter to the newbie, to give that smile that someone needs to see.  Change has to start somewhere, and I think God says it should start with me!  (Love that song by Matthew West, Do Something!)

The Mirror

The Mirror.
It looked at me this weekend. The mirror of the past, the mirror of the present.
I had the opportunity to be nice, to be friendly, to be a friend to someone I met this past weekend.  You see, she had moved to my town 2 years ago.  I saw her at church. I saw her church activities.  But I never stopped to smile.  To say Hello.  To ask of her name.  To ask if she was new in town.  Oh wait, I think I did know that, someone had told me.  The mental slap feels strong to me.  It stops me.  It hurts.

I was no better.

Now I'm the new mom in a new town attending a church where noone talks to me.  It's my turn.  

I was no better.

The mental slap feels even stronger.

Dear Lord, forgive me.

I pray that God opens my eyes.  His greatest commandment: Love your neighbor.

It doesn't give specifics on how that looks in today's world.  But I bet it means I shouldn't be ignoring people.  It's not "someone else's problem" to be nice, and God makes it our business to have fellowship with each other.  He designed us to need each other, not to live in isolation from each other.

We need to break the Necessary Familiar Face Syndrome....where a new person needs to repeatedly "show up" by appearing at Bible studies, restaurants, churches, grocery stores, community events, school events for months to eventually turn from a stranger to a "familar face".  At which time local will eventually and finally acknowledge the "familiar face".   And it's going to start with me.

I was no better.
 

keeping it simple.
keeping it real.
no time for super fancy.

I do want to figure out this blog thing

Let the research begin.

I'm a wife first, mom next, then a piano teacher, then a violin & organ teacher.  And then comes more of the fun stuff:  selling Thirty-One merchandise.

~Vickie